0°C | Saturday October 11, 2025 
By Living To Thrive’s Chuck Anderson
The practice of self-compassion is often overlooked, misunderstood or dismissed as self-pity within today’s culture. After reading the book, Self-Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff, my view and understanding of what self-compassion is and how to truly practice it made a world of a difference in how I treat myself when the self-doubts begin. In this article, I have a fascinating and informative discussion with none other than Dr Neff herself on the topic of self-compassion.
Dr Kristin Neff is currently an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas. She is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, conducting the first empirical studies on self-compassion nearly twenty years ago. She has been recognized as one of the most influential researchers in psychology worldwide. Lastly, she is the author of the bestselling book Self-Compassion and her newest book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive.
Sun: How would you define self-compassion?
Neff: An easy way to think about it is simply just being a good supportive and kind friend to yourself. The way you would be towards someone else who was struggling such as a friend or loved one.
Because I am an academic, I have a more theoretical definition, a scale to measure the components, which is more than simply expressing kindness towards ourselves. Kindness is key, but being kind as opposed to being judgmental. Mindfulness is also key.
In other words, we must be able to face our pain and distress mindfully to give ourselves compassion. When we ignore those feelings or pretend they are not there or get lost in them, we do not give ourselves the space for a perspective that offers self-compassion.
Additionally, there needs to be a feeling of connectedness to others, i.e., we are all human beings that face thoughts of self-doubt and self-defeating emotions. Telling ourselves that we are not the only ones struggling reminds us that we are not alone. This is not self-pity or self-absorption, it is simply recognizing that we are just as human, fallible and no different than the person next to us.
In other words, self-compassion consists of approaching ourselves with kindness, mindfulness and connectedness with others. Unfortunately, most people give compassion to others, but not themselves.
Sun: What is the difference between self-esteem, self-confidence and self-compassion and which is best for building a more self-accepting and kind mindset?
Neff: Self-esteem is one of these words you can define in a lot of different ways but is most often described as a positive evaluation of self-worth. It’s a judgment that I’m a good person, I’m a bad person or I’m good at something or I’m somewhere in between.
Typically, self-esteem is based on criteria. It’s either based on feeling special or above average. We don’t have high self-esteem with someone doing something better than us, and our culture says it’s not OK to be average. This equates to our self-worth being defined by our interpretation of how much we’re “winning” and “losing” compared to those around us.
We typically base our self-esteem on a few different domains. How much people like us, so we like ourselves and other people like us. It is also not how much they like us, but how much we think they like us which is often unknown.
The problem is how we get that sense of self-worth because it’s contingent. It’s contingent on comparisons with others or success like a fair-weather friend. It’s only there for us when we succeed. It’s not there for us when we need it most, which is when we are feeling shame or inadequacy. I am not saying that self-esteem is not useful, but it is better to have a positive sense of self-worth than to feel you’re worthless or shameful because of how you perceive yourself against others.
Self-compassion isn’t a judgment, or an evaluation of our self-worth compared to others. It is the type of worth that is unconditional, and it stems from being a flawed human being doing the best we can. So, we have it both when we succeed and when we fail, and therefore our sense of worth is much more stable.
Which one is better? I mean, you might say self-compassion is more robust. Again, there’s nothing wrong with self-esteem or self-confidence. But what happens when you don’t judge yourself well or you fail?
From my perspective, self-esteem and self-confidence are about the comparison to others. That presents a significant risk to our well-being as there’s always someone faster, smarter or looks better according to what society says that someone is or is not.
Sun: What are the first steps someone should take to become more self-compassionate?
Neff: I think the first thing is to be a little introspective and just ask yourself how you treat yourself. Some may not be that hard on themselves and others may struggle even with the idea of supporting themselves. Most people are kind of in the middle, so to speak.
Think about how you treat your friends/loved ones when they are struggling or in distress. That first step is just to inquire about how you treat yourself.
You could do this by asking, “If I said to a good friend what I say to myself, what would be the impact on them?” Would they be appreciative or feel hurt? If it’s hurtful to them, it will also be hurtful to you, and you may want to reconsider your level of self-compassion.
Sun: What is something that someone could stop doing?
Neff: Try to let go of the need to prove or improve yourself all the time. You may want to improve your behaviours if it’s going to make you happier, but your worth as a person is not dependent on looking a certain way or achieving certain goals. Our worth is unconditional.
Sun: You can learn more about self-compassion by going to www.self-compassioni.org where you will find evidence-based resources and free guided meditation recordings and you can sign-up for Kristin Neff’s newsletter. Self-compassion is an incredibly powerful tool, and we could all use more of it. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it!